Most men and women agree that confidence is an attractive trait. But many also admit to bouts of self-doubt and uncertainty.

This disconnect speaks volumes about our fear of rejection and how difficult it is to tame it. I’ve been rejected tons of times and still cannot pinpoint when it will breeze past me or brutally tear me down.

But I remind myself of my greatest qualities, work through my weaker ones and do my best to live simply and selflessly in the present. It’s not always easy. Every day presents a challenge in taming my fear of rejection.

Confidence is simply faith and happiness in the present moment. It is not, to quote Dharmesh Shah, founder of HubSpot, “bravado, or swagger, or an overt pretense of bravery. Confidence is not some bold or brash air of self-belief directed at others. Confidence is quiet. It’s a natural expression of ability, expertise and self-regard.”

Take the bedroom. What makes someone confident in bed? It’s not the acrobatics, knowledge or braggadocio. It’s when your partner listens to you and talks to you. He or she isn’t afraid to ask, isn’t afraid to take direction or give it, and doesn’t apologize.

More than anything, even when it’s awkward, even when we make a mistake or try something new or are still learning about each other, a confident partner is comfortable. And when your partner is comfortable, you will be, too.

We all have those thoughts from time to time: We aren’t attractive enough, smart enough, experienced enough — but give your hang-ups a goodnight kiss and move on. Fake it with your killer smile until you make it. Do it for you. When you are building confidence, you will exude it.

One of the biggest detriments to confidence in the bedroom is concern about our appearances. The best way to be better at sex is to have it, of course, but not everyone wants to follow such a regimen, and that’s OK.

It’s natural to get nervous about how you look during the act. Snap out of it. Your partner is not thinking about what you’re thinking about. There’s someone who wants to be with you right now. Tell yourself that. Create a relaxing ambiance that makes you feel good, or wear something that makes you feel great.

Don’t miss out on an amazing moment with someone by thinking about what your partner is likely not thinking about.

That same thought process applies to so many situations we encounter daily. If you are comfortable, everyone else around you will be, too. Don’t be nervous and don’t overthink things. Remember, it’s all about the present moment.

Take baby steps. Don’t be afraid to talk. Give direction.

In the meantime, smile as you go and tame your fear of rejection. We won’t always win. Confidence is learning from the loss and succeeding from it. Confidence is embracing humility.

Jillian Thaw is a magazine, newspaper and online journalism graduate student. Her column appears every Wednesday in Pulp. You can email her at jathaw@syr.edu and follow her on Twitter @jathaw.

Published on September 24, 2013 at 10:05 pm