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So, you’ve gotten your Marriage Pact match back and there’s probably a million different questions going through your mind right now: “Should I reach out? Will they reach out? What if they’re ugly? What if I’m ugly?” It can all be very overwhelming.

Nevertheless, I am here to help, and my first piece of advice to you is to take a step back. If it helps, remember you’re embarking on a journey that could lead you to the love of your life, if you’re lucky. Or it could perhaps be the worst decision you’ve ever made.

Some more advice: If you’re still struggling with your image, take solace in knowing that you can save 15% at your nearest plastic surgeon by using code: MARRIAGEPACT15.

Now, moving past any qualms you might still have about your own looks, it is important you reach out to your matched partner ASAP. It is a known fact amongst marriage-matching statisticians, such as myself, that partners who initiate contact beyond the standard 12-hour threshold are 99% less likely to last past the honeymoon phase. But try not to be too eager, you don’t want to scare off your only match. Reaching out quickly can make you look to your partner like a desperate, weak, feeble-minded loser rather than the nonchalant, mysterious, winner type you should be gunning for.

If you can’t restrain yourself from proactively reaching out to your partner, I suggest forgetting about your match altogether and crawling back to the gutters of Tinder and Grindr from where you came. Alternatively, if you don’t reach out at all, hang it up, champ, because this game is not for you. Marriage Pact is a delicate art, and those without the proper skills will find themselves in a divorce attorney’s office faster than they can say “I do.”

The next step in your marriage pact journey is to plan some sort of meet-up with your partner. A first date is all about first impressions, so try to eliminate risks of “messing up.” This would include an allergic reaction, a bathroom emergency, a mispronounced word, an untied shoe, a bad meal or pretty much anything else.

Naturally, that narrows down your options to Velcro shoes and the nearest dining hall. Some people will scoff at the dining hall because they couldn’t possibly imagine stooping to such a level of “classlessness.” To those people, I recommend getting a prenup because anyone unfit to eat in a dining hall is unfit to have a successful relationship. Both require certain sacrifices you are obviously unable to afford.

Even if you keep all this advice in mind, there are some things you just can’t help. You may be thinking, “But what if I don’t like my matched person?” The go-to tactic in this situation is to let them down easily. Tell them you never wish to speak to them again as long as you are alive or dead but you think they’re really an amazing, beautiful, perfect prospective partner and it’s not them, it’s you. This gentle stroking of the ego will cause your partner to leave the interaction feeling good.

Of course, this approach could be modified with any number or combination of lies, like “I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I just got drafted into the military” (a wonderful excuse for partners unaware of current conscription laws) or “I would go out with you if I wasn’t pregnant with another man’s child” (typically reserved for females, though surprisingly effective for males), but I generally find honesty to be the best policy.

Published on October 2, 2024 at 10:09 pm

Contact Jack: jpvanbev@syr.edu