Get the latest Syracuse news delivered right to your inbox.
Subscribe to our newsletter here.

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another summer. One that, if you’re lucky, was spent traveling to remote and beautiful destinations, sitting on a beach with friends or hiking tall mountains with alluring views and perhaps the occasional waterfall.

Or maybe you’re a career-forward superstar, spending your summer in New York City or Los Angeles interning with some cool, hip startup or industry company where you got to meet “That One Guy That Was in That One Movie” or “Remember her? She was in _____. No, wait, that was Sydney Sweeney.”

However, some of us did not have these “Sex and the City”-esque summers. Some of us actually didn’t do too much besides work a customer service job and argue with the mean lady at the movie theater who never puts enough butter on the popcorn. Actually, Kathy, butter does NOT cost extra, or else it would be advertised.

If you had a summer like this, I want to give you some advice: sometimes, making up stuff isn’t a bad thing. Remember, kids, lying is acceptable as long as it’s to gain the approval of your peers. I was told that in a meeting with my guidance counselor in middle school, I’m pretty sure.

So, if you’re looking to impress your friends (and/or enemies — especially your enemies) with your super cool summer, look no further. I have exactly what you need: a full list of stories and excuses to wow your classmates during syllabus week.

Lie #1: Met Chappell Roan at Target

The story goes a little like this: You were scouring the aisles of Target, desperately searching for a CD copy of “brat” by Charli XCX. Finally! You found it, lodged between Taylor Swift and Zach Bryan (Target really needed to alphabetize its stock a little better). As you reached out to pick up the coveted neon green case, a perfectly manicured hand (missing an acrylic nail on her pointer finger, of course) stopped you. Apparently, Charli XCX is your favorite artist’s favorite artist’s favorite artist!

“Ch-Ch-Ch-Chappell R-R-Roan?”

“Shhhhh …” Chappell started to sing “Red Wine Supernova” a cappella as she walked away with your CD, and frankly, it was so worth it.

Lie #2: Australian Breakdancer

‘Ello, mate! Are you wondering why I’m speaking (typing) like this? Well, that’s actually because I am Raygun, the Australian breakdancer from the Paris Olympics. Or at least, you could be if you choose to use this story. After seeing a plane going to the Olympics from the Syracuse Hancock International Airport, you snuck yourself on. From there, you heard one of the Australian Olympians smack-talking, saying stuff like, “Oh man mates, we are totally gonna beat the USA at breakdancing!” From there, you decide to infiltrate the team and sabotage them, leading the United States of America to a breakdancing win. You assumed the identity of Raygun, and scored a very impressive zero points!

Lie #3: Opened For Taylor Swift on The Eras Tour

After busking on the streets of New York City, a blonde stranger in sunglasses came up to you, not with money, but a note reading, “Hi, there. It’s me, Taylor Swift. Need proof? Attached is a copy of my driver’s license and social security card. Anyway, will you open for me tonight at Madison Square Garden? Thx.” Suddenly, a private jet landed on the city streets, where Travis Kelce poked his head out and said, “Hi, I’m Mr. Taylor Swift. I hear you’re performing tonight?” That night was a dream. Crowds of fans cheered your name, and Taylor even let you play the piano for one of her songs!

Lie #4: Glen Powell Love Affair

If you’re really looking for a shocking and bold story to tell, I highly recommend this one. Picture this: While applying for summer jobs, you saw a paid (!!!) summer internship for Universal Pictures.

“Wowie!” you said, quickly clicking on the ‘Apply Now’ button. Even though you would have loved a chance to work on a real Hollywood picture, your expectations were low. But you got a call the very next day from the PRESIDENT OF UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, asking if you wanted to help on the “Twisters” press tour! You packed your suitcase, flew to Los Angeles and met the entire cast of the film, where you noticed Glen Powell sneaking looks at you from across the room. Suddenly, the director of “Twisters” stomped in through the door before he broke the news… YOU AND GLEN POWELL HAD TO SHARE A HOTEL ROOM DUE TO BUDGET CUTS? Ummmm, what!?!

Glen shrugged at you, his trademark grin giving you butterflies in your stomach. Before you knew it, you and Glen were doing everything together. Going out to dinners, walking in the park, maybe even … KISSING? However, you had to leave him because you have a duty. A duty to The Daily Orange to write the humor column.

Sorry if the ending of this last one was a little on the nose; it may or may not be based on a very extended fantasy that I fall asleep to each night. Also, if anyone is wondering what I did this summer, I actually ran the Kamala HQ Instagram. No joke. She reached out to me personally. Also, Tim Walz is my dad (Walz and Wells are similar enough for that to be believable, right?).

Published on August 21, 2024 at 9:35 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu