Money is obviously very important. At no point in my high school or college career did I have to take a class that would teach me exactly how important it is, how to properly manage it or how many loans would crush me for my foreseeable future. I think everyone just assumed somebody else would teach me. But, by most accounts, I am a relatively intellectual individual and somewhere along the line I was able to figure out some form of money management myself by process of elimination from my bank account.

I won’t give you the “my major will never make me money” spiel because that is just not true, according to Career Services when I keep insisting said claim to them. That being said, I will give you an accurate account given my current post-grad employment opportunities — none — and the internet presence I have when searched by potential employers, clearly trying to pursue comedy to no avail.

Given my clear qualifications and knowledge of money, here are my post-grad budget plans given my current lifestyle choices. For my fellow graduating Orangepeople, feel free to copy it or alter it in some way that would lead to survival somewhere outside of my very clearly “overactive” imagination.

Income

All: $0

Expenses                                          

Rent: $1,000 per month seems to be current going rate for rodents living in people’s apartments in New York City, slightly lower in large groups of rodents. I, of course, have to live in NYC because I am an artist.

Food: $240 per month seems to be the minimum given that I have no qualms eating lightly expired — even bordering on pretty questionable — foods, but I refuse to cook because I don’t like doing things I am bad at. This number is the exact equivalent of getting a Chinese takeout dinner special 30 times.

Utilities: $100 per month. I don’t know why. Utilities are a mystery to me. They could be higher. They could be lower. I pay them but I’m not entirely sure how they calculate them. I’m pretty sure I’m getting ripped off but I also need them to function.

Entertainment: $50 per month. I’ll take over paying for the Netflix and Seeso and HBO and, on second thought, that’s quite a number of things. My parents love me, I’m sure they are happy to provide.

Alcohol: These numbers are really adding up. This is pretty imperative though — for networking purposes obviously. As a young professional, it’s important to be meeting people in your new location. Obviously.

Cell phone: I forgot about this. I guess my parents really shouldn’t be paying for it. I have absolutely no idea how much it is but people need cell phones these days and also I’ve gotten really used to my large-screened minicomputer. Wait … it’s how much? Crap.

Car insurance: Oh, I forgot about that, too. … I’ll sell my car. I’m not that good at driving anyway.

Health insurance: This is a thing? The Republican health care bill that’s still in limbo could possibly affect me, a spritely youth that will never die, too? Can I sell my health, too? I’m not that good at taking care of it, anyway.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. Will sell plasma. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or email her at paterhun@syr.edu.

Published on March 22, 2017 at 8:39 pm