In honor of Brett Favre’s loss last week in the NFC Championship Game, our unlicensed astrologists bring you horoscopes based on your favorite character in ‘There’s Something about Mary.’

Pat Healy

Notebook in hand, 12 beers in stomach, you will run down to cover a bar raid at 1 a.m. Saturday. This is your life.

Magda

You will observe a man in a Michael Strahan jersey try to pick up your girlfriend – clad in a Brian Westbrook jersey – by calling her ‘Westbrook’ and ‘Three six.’ He will fail.

Tucker/Norm Phipps

You will find yourself a little too excited about Kent Babb writing for the Kansas City Star. This is your life.

The South Carolinian detectives

You will use a beer to nail down a tack. The beer will explode. You will shotgun it to clean up the mess.

Mongo

You will interrupt a couple as they make out in a bathroom. At a frat house. Sanitary.

Charlie Jensen

You will wear a shirt covered in pictures of apples to a party. You will learn how to spell chick repellant: a-p-p-l-e s-h-i-r-t.

Sully

Someone will use your face as an ashtray. In return, you will use their genitals as a tether ball.

Ted Stroehmann

You will fall asleep at 10. You will wake up at 10. Symmetry, baby.

Warren Jensen

You will slam-dance to Juvenile. No one will want to join in. But, girl, they look good once they back that thang up.

Woogie/Dom Woganowski

You will drop a flying elbow off the Mount’s drunken steps. Your victim will agree that you do a good Macho Man Randy Savage impression.

That crazy guy played by Harlan Williams

You will wear your own jersey to a jersey party. Thank God your Little League uniform still fits.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 to Dec. 21)

You will eat Wingz at 4 a.m. in your bed. You will realize the next morning that this was a mistake. Your sheets will agree.

Published on January 27, 2008 at 12:00 pm